Like a good Desi daughter, I moved out of my parents house after my wedding. It’s also the day I left Orange County, which I was desperate to do.
I’m often asked, “Why did you leave?” to which I overshare answer:
- I was not strong enough to do what I want to do (write, art) while living there.
- I don’t want the lifestyle that I perceive my family and friends to have, at least not right now.
- I hate Orange County.
I then elaborate on whatever point the person found interesting:
- I found it difficult to pursue life choices and professions outside of the ones accepted as appropriate and successful. I was overwhelmed by the pressure to be able to answer, “What are you doing?” on a daily basis.
- I like city life where there is diversity and walking and public transportation. I like not being on perceived monkey bars of social obligation to social obligation.
- I hate how happily classist and racist and conservative Orange County is.
And while I may believe these kinda judgey/narrow/dismissive viewpoints to some degree, a truer reason is this: I left Orange County to leave me.
Me: the accumulation of my thoughts, actions, habits, feelings, conversations, and experiences.
The me that I was being was not who I wanted to be, or at least, I didn’t have perspective on who I was. I felt like I was regurgitating the ideas around me. It’s like if everyone around me seemed to want a turkey sandwich, I started to think that my options are turkey sandwiches, but I yearned to know what other sandwich offerings there were. And it’s not that people only ate turkey sandwiches in Orange County, it’s that I saw things that way, and I wanted to see differently. I wanted to detach and be able to assess myself all over again. I needed to take responsibility for who I was, instead of being in a perpetual cycle of reacting to my family and friends. I wanted to examine my premises on which I lay the foundation of my life.
And I was haunted by my negative inner voice: What are you doing? Prove your worth. You’re not making any money. What’s the point? You’re no good. You’re not worthy.
When I got on the plane, that voice came with me, and it continued to be my overbearing companion in the years after. I was alone with it, overwhelmed by it, frozen in allowing myself to be dictated by it. And slowly, I overcame it. In my arm wrestle with this voice, I haven’t pinned it down, but I have come to hold my own.
And, a few years out, I understand for myself why it can be important to be uncomfortable – to grow, to create, and more. For me, this meant experiencing life outside of my comfortable, suburban bubble. I needed to see and hear and be with people who were different than me doing normal things like do groceries and walk down the street. I needed to humanize my alien-like perception of people (due to ignorance, miseducation, and lack of exposure), so that I could become more human. I felt dead and sick inside until I met and was among these people. And while I’m still dead and sick inside, and while my experiences are privileged in a number of ways (some of which I acknowledge, many of which I am oblivious to), I feel they’ve saved tiny shards of my humanity.
Thanks for this post! I’m still trying to pin point exactly why, but it definitely resonated with me!
Thanks for reading Nasir, and I look forward to hearing your thoughts!
Nida, this really resonates with me. I get asked all the time why I would ever leave Southern CA (and why I don’t plan on returning). And I feel the same about Orange County and what living on the East Coast has to offer for personal growth and opportunity.
Hope you’re doing well :)
Sakinah! Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts. I’m well, and I hope you are, too!
“I found it difficult to pursue life choices and professions outside of the ones accepted as appropriate and successful. I was overwhelmed by the pressure to be able to answer, “What are you doing?” on a daily basis.” Whew, I’m going through this now. I had a few years of not having a satisfactory answer to the “what are you doing” questions and that bothered me. Now that I do have a satisfactory answer, it still bothers me because a) I hate that people see me differently based on that and b) I don’t think I’m doing what I really want to do. Love your eloquence in writing about this, wishing you the best in finding your path.
Gosh, I feel awkward!! I left Orange County because it became an overcrowded life on the freeway. It used to be a quiet place south of LA. That was 22 years ago…